Dear Taco Scientists: Can’t stop dealing with burrito cravings

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Dear Taco Scientists,

Lately I’ve been really struggling at work. My company hired a new manager and he’s one of those people that lashes out at people for his own mistakes and demeans the people he’s supposed to lead. I’ve been having such a rough time that I’ve been turning to burritos for solace. Last night, for example, I had everything I needed at my house to make amazing tacos, the components were all ready and I just needed to put them together. Instead, after learning one of my teammates had been bullied into resigning I stopped at a local burrito place and ate that instead. I felt disgusted with myself. I know eating tacos will make me feel better but I just can’t bring myself to make them.

Can you help?
Sad Employee Eating Burritos

Dear SEEB,

First let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It’s an unfortunate reality of our world that often the people that seek power are the very ones that shouldn’t have it.

From your letter I get the idea that you are using burritos for comfort. Think of a newborn baby swaddled in blankets and how similar that vision is to a burrito. Having a large tortilla wrapped around something wonderful and special can make you feel really peaceful and like someone is taking care of you. In the end though, you are going to have to grow up and take care of yourself. You can’t hide under your “blankets” forever.

The best way to move forward is to think about why we eat tacos. The are packed with many different flavors and textures all bursting out essentially saying “look at me”. Unlike a burrito a taco is a little bit dangerous, parts of it are probably going to fall out. If you are eating a crispy taco it could even break in half! But when that happens you pick up the pieces and start over in a newer better taco. That’s what you need to internalize because it’s also going to help you moving forward with your life. Look to the taco and its fundamental fearlessness. It’s time to embody¬†your own inner taco break free of this negative situation you’ve found yourself in. Good luck!


Have a question for the Taco Scientists? Send it to tacocleanse (at) gmail (dot) com with the subject line “Dear Taco Scientists.”

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How to Write New Year’s Resolutions

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New Year's Resolution (1)

Step 1. Take out a sheet of fancy paper. The fanciest paper you can find. Something really inspiring. Lisa Frank or maybe something with a wookie on it.

Step 2. Write down everything you want to change about yourself. Arms too short? Write it down! Not enough money to swim in a la Scrooge McDuck? Write it down!

Step 3. Crumple the paper into a ball.

Step 4. Throw it at the nearest garbage can, basketball style.

Step 5. Repeat step 4 until you make a basket. If necessary, uncrumple the paper and write “improve paper throwing” on it and start over from step 3.

Step 6. Eat a taco.

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13 Kinds of Taco You Should Eat Before You’re 37*

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Migas taco

Mighty Migas from The Taco Cleanse. Photo by Lazy Smurf.

1. Migas. The Best of Breakfast tacos.
2. A fish-style taco a la California. Use cabbage, not lettuce, if you know what’s what.
3. Something traditional with a slow cooked, tender filling supplemented only by chopped white onion and cilantro. We like the Soy Curl al Pastor in The Taco Cleanse.
4. A really late night bean taco from Taco Bell eaten while sleepy and possibly a bit tipsy. Be generous with the hot sauce.
5. A taco where the only ingredient is the best refried beans you’ve ever had in your life. Maybe some potato, but the focus should be on the beans.
6. A fusion food taco. Whether it’s Korean, Italian, or Middle Eastern, share the loving embrace of a tortilla with another cuisine.

Westagram Taco

‘Westagram” taco with BBQ Seitan, Mac ‘n’ cheese, and kale from vidavegancon.com

7. A barbecue taco complete with with your favorite regional barbecue sauce. Like our Barbecue Brisket and Mac ‘n’ Cheese taco.
8. A Chaco taco. Or a “chaco taco.” We’re not picky about brands here. Just make sure there’s ice cream involved.
9. Huitlacoche. Really. Don’t be put off by the alternate names.
10. School cafeteria-style hard shell taco. This is the one place we’ll sanction the use of that sad shredded iceberg lettuce.
11. A waffle taco. Taco Bell didn’t invent these. Fold that waffle around your favorite breakfast ingredients and remember why you love breakfast again.

Puffy tacos

Puffy tacos from El Chile in Austin.

12. A puffy taco. If you’ve never had one of these, imagine a taco made with a savory sopapilla instead of a tortilla. Or just imagine the difference between baked french fries and oil-fried french fries and apply that to a corn tortilla.
13. Whatever you want because at 37 you’re a grown ass adult, and people should stop telling you what to eat.

*Nothing much happens at 37. We just like prime numbers.

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